Okay, here we go! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to accept victory and defeat?
Are you ready to say “I am wrong and want to change so my relationship will grow, prosper and just get darn tootin’ better,” or realize that you are right and that your partner was wrong all the time? Do you want to grow old together and just enjoy the heck out of each other, come what may?
Well, then listen up!
First and foremost, it is entirely possible that it is not ‘YOU’ that is sabotaging the relationship, but your partner, and that you were correct all the time with your mindset and thoughts concerning what the hell is going on.
Probably not, but it is possible.
Relationships are complicated in their simplicity. Some people are attracted to a person who is just like them, others to people who are their opposite, and some will find the middle ground in their partner.
There is no set standard, and someone who tells you that ‘their’ relationship works because their partner is exactly like/the opposite of/or halfway between, and that that’s what you should look for, means well, but it may not be the same for you. Yes, opposites can and do attract, but if there is not some common ground, you can start to really dislike those traits. Of course, those opposites can be the a common ground, too.
Someone who is pretty much exactly like you can be easy, comforting and a no brainer, but maybe over time boring. Then you may start to look elsewhere for excitement, for a person who is the opposite of you. Not cool, unless of course you are separated.
Or you can stay single and sign up for Tinder, Grinder, Ashley Madison ….. you get the point.
I’m sure you know people who have just given up on finding a wholesome, satisfying, long-term relationship, and have relegated themselves to just staying single/playing the field and accepting that that is what their life will be, period. And, others who stay in the relationship because it’s the best that they can do, so they just put up with the bad behavior from their partner, because starting over is just too hard and they have become comfortable. That relationship can be labeled co-dependent, dysfunctional, toxic. Of course those people do become so comfortable in their dysfunctional relationship that any idea of changing it is just downright scary! That dysfunction becomes the ‘norm.’
How many people do you know or have heard of that will not change their situation even though it is so destructive, i.e., battered wife/husband (and the ‘battering’ does not have to be physical), and no matter what you or others do it makes no difference. Even if that person gets away from their abuser, they go back to them eventually. There are those that do succeed and for all of those who helped intervene, or those who finally did it on their own, thank you.
So, let’s look at some ideas. Some will say that a relationship is 50-50. Those people are wrong. It’s 100-100! Why give only 50%? You do want this to work, right? Dealing with ourselves can be a job, so if you’re dealing with another you had better give 100%.
In Buddhist thought, right now, up to this point, we are the result of everything that we have experienced in our life. Everything that we remember and everything that we don’t. Brain researchers state that we store everything that we have learned. It’s remembering it all that can be the issue. Deep seated trauma can be buried so deep that it takes professional assistance to bring it back to the surface to analyze and deal with it. This trauma is not even recognized by the person but it still affects their life, and the life of others around them.
You may think that your partner is a bit off and that their behavior towards you is unfair and biased, but that person doesn’t even know where it’s coming from even though they know it’s negative. They may feel that something is amiss, but afraid of what they may find in therapy. So your suggestions of seeing someone falls on deaf ears, and even causes friction between the two of you.
A wonderful thought on what makes a relationship work is – two independent people who come together to become interdependent on each other while maintaining their independence. If one of you bowls with a group of friends each week, keep doing it. An annual ski trip with the girls? Right on. There are going to be things that both of you enjoyed as individuals that can now be shared with each other, and new experiences are right around the corner.
There will be places that the both of you want to visit, and others that only interests one of you, so wish them a wonderful trip! Be happy that they they have no problem going by themselves or with a friend. No jealousy allowed. Hobbies that you have may not at all be something that your partner is even vaguely interested in. How about shopping? Most men would rather put a fork in their eye than spend the day shopping with their woman; holding the purse or bags while she tries something on, watching her pick over the sale racks, or looking for just that right dress.
And, she has no interests in cars, but you are a ‘car’ guy and want her to attend shows and meets; or how about the tool sales! But you go, and she goes, because you love each other and can see how happy she/he is. It’s about supporting your partner 100%, having their backs in all situations. Of course you don’t go all the time lol. You’ll have your guys and she’ll have her girls that go with them, and who wants a ‘guy’ looking at all that lingerie – that you’ll benefit from!
The point is not to push the issue if your partner just doesn’t want to join in. Respect.
Are you a vegan but your partner is not? You know all the positive things that go with that lifestyle, but he/she really enjoys that prime rib, cheeseburger and pork belly. Yum! So, ease them into it if it’s that important to you. Show them the benefits, health-wise of eating natural, chemical free foods and back it up with the research. This applies to all issues. If you just shove things down their throat because you believe it to be correct they’re going to eventually throw it back up in your face.
THE KEY IS COMMUNICATION! The two of you should be able to talk about anything. Anything. No limits. Your partner should be your best friend, lover, confidant, sounding board, teacher, parent. Yes, this is in a perfect scenario, but it doesn’t mean you can’t strive for it. Remember, 100%.
So, you just met someone and the sparks fly, the chemistry is obviously a wow! You both just jump right in and go for it. One month later you’re living together. A couple of months later issues start coming up and the ‘honeymoon’ is over. Then, someone is moving out. What just happened?
Relationships like this can and do happen, and they last forever, but that is the exception to the rule. Imagine a horse race. The horse you bet everything on gets a great start and takes the lead. The first corner comes and it’s still leading. The second corner comes and – still in the lead! Then it starts to slow down and gets passed. The third turn comes and it’s now the fourth horse from the end. The final turn comes and it’s now dead last, and that’s where it finishes. You’ve lost everything.
What I’m saying is most relationships take time to see where it’s going. It may look fantastic right off the bat, but issues can come up as time goes on, and that ‘time’ could be just a few weeks/months out. What seemed great at the beginning starts to unravel after that second turn.
That’s where COMMUNICATION comes in. If the two of you can sit and have deep conversations, then the expectations the both of you had and are not being met may be able to be worked out. Perhaps when she said she loved something you did and wanted to go with you, it didn’t mean every time, but that’s what you assumed – and you know what that word means, right? So share your thoughts on it and let her do the same. Don’t wait!
Or, you do wait, because you don’t want to rock the boat, and just expect things to get better. You experienced your new partner as a bright shiny object that melted your heart, and expected a top performer. Now that person is melting your soul.
Without communication it is silly to expect a person that you put up on a pedestal to ‘perform’ like you thought/wanted/expected them to. And the longer you wait the more you will suffer. Attachments can bring suffering, remember? So, COMMUNICATE! You may not like the outcome, but at least you can take off those rose-colored glasses. And, it is entirely possible that things will be wonderful.
I had a partner who was fantastic out of the starting gate, We saw each other 2-3 times a week and communicated almost daily; then it became 3-5 times a week and multiple times daily. This went on for over 5-months, and over time we were either at my place or hers after work 4-5 days a week. We shared deeply about our feelings and expectations, concerns and understandings. We communicated. She also shared that she was ADHD and wanted my assistance in dealing with it. We decided to move in together. After a while of being together 24/7 I noticed that she didn’t ‘see’ me during the day when she was working (from home). She explained that although she knew I was in her presence she was so focused on her work that she only ‘saw’ me peripherally. Because of this she rarely, if ever, reached out to touch.
We are both physically oriented in our love language, so touch is very important. When your partner is working almost 12-hours a day, and can’t reach out, it becomes an issue. Of course I reached out, but her acknowledgement of it was minimal or not at all. We shared deeply about this issue and she tried holistic and western medicine (made her sleepy), hormone replacement therapy, and even got into counseling – which helped her deal with some deep seated past issues of abuse. And, she cut her work hours to 8 so we would have more ‘us’ time together, which helped.
Ultimately, she came to the conclusion that she couldn’t change her mindset because of her ADHD, even though she had tried various solutions. I shared that it would be so difficult for me to not have that touch, especially if I was the only person reaching out; but I tried not attaching to that and just attempted to just let it happen. Well, you guessed it, my attachment brought me suffering. We eventually moved apart but remain good friends.
Another factor in a relationship is to know what you can and can not do with or without. If you are receiving what moves your soul and fills your body, well, yay! But if you are not, do everything you can to see if YOU can do the change, sit and share honestly with your partner, and if things just can’t move on, then maybe you are just better off being friends. And you never know what the future holds, Change is the only permanent after all.
So stop blaming her/him. Look at your own issues. Remember that we aim our energy at those we can, linke our partner, family and friends. The people we should be not aiming at! Take the time to get to know the other person, don’t just jump right in – unless of course the two of you are that rare couple, but don’t count on that. How many of you have discovered that beauty is only skin deep? Maintain your independence. Support you partner in all ways. KNOW that the both of you are going to make mistakes and learn from them.
Don’t expect that person to be the ‘picture’ of what you want that person to be. And, always be. They won’t. Sure, they will tick a lot of your boxes, but all of them? And, how long will those boxes stay ticked? It is said that a relationship is a two-way street. I believe it’s a one way street, with both of you traveling in the same direction, not against each other.
Hey! We are attempting to join two people of different life experiences and all their different habits, desires, traumas, learnings, biases, beliefs, educations, religions, cultures, etc, etc. OMG!! Relationships of every kind ebb and flow, and change over time for good and for bad. Then there are their family members! How much sway do they have over your partner for reasons that are clear and others that don’t make any sense at all.
And, the older we are the more crystalized we get! Change? Oh, hell no! Take me as I am or don’t let the door hit you in the ass as you walk out! Wow, that’s selfish behavior. Yes, you may believe that you have ‘earned’ it, and you may have earned a certain type of lifestyle or mindset, but if you really want the relationship to work, then know that the other person does not have to bend to your way of doing things exclusively, or you to theirs.
Celebrate the differences, smile at the quirks and what you see as silly ways they express themselves. Learn from their mistakes as they learn from yours. Admire what they have accomplished, be proud of who they have become, respect their past.Have empathy and compassion for any crucibles they may have gone through. AND COMMUNICATE! Do not wait for the ‘perfect time,’ although use your judgment of course.
Take baby steps if you need to, but take the steps! Look across the table at who is looking at you; do you see them as they see you? And, never forget the power of a good counselor.
